Friday, April 1, 2011

separation anxiety

(could you leave this face? i think not)

bryson and i are going to costa rica on tuesday. i know beach, fun, sun, ya ya ya but when i think about the fact that i have to leave my baby behind and leave the country i literally keel over in pain. real, deep excruciating pain right in my heart. and gut. im not being dramatic either this is real people.

since sawyer was born i have been away from him twice. the first time bryson and i went down to st george on a saturday and came back sunday. the second time i went up to park city on a friday night and came back saturday afternoon. i mean we leave him and go on dates for a few hours, but not for very long. so this is a big deal. big. huge.

don't get me wrong it sounds nice to have a break and go to the pool but i will cry. see i'm very attached to my child. like unhealthily, possessively, obsessed with my child. last night at midnight i went up to his room and took my sleeping baby out of his crib and made him cuddle with me. which surprisingly didn't turn out to one of my best ideas.. shocking i know.

my fear is he will forget about me while i'm gone or start walking or talking! what if he realizes i abandoned and he is mad at me? or feels really sad! what if he meets someone and gets married?? what if he never recognizes me again? what if he grows three feet and loses all his babyness? what if my plane crashes? i don't have a will. he will become a property of the state! keeling over in pain.

so obviously i have some deeply rooted psychological problems and i just don't know how i'm going to get over this. pura vida.


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